Can't seem to shake the blues today. Feel like i'm wearing a foggy coat of blur and sadness. And slowness. We had some swirly snow today, little cyclones of wide airy flakes forming patterns on their way down to the wheat colored grass and almost blooming daffodils. I miss my mom, and family in general. Sometimes it just feels like an itch that can't be scratched, one that sits deep inside. I just want to reach in and pull it out, bit by bit like a long cotton rope. Or shake it off the way Ollie does. Shakes that start from his nose, go through his middle, and finish at his tail. One at a time, but in fast forward motion, an energetic flutter that seems so effective.
Something I'm really glad I still have; the starts of emails from my mom. I found a lot of love in those greetings today, love that I feel like I might have missed way back when they were originally sent. Or at least the weight of that love could not have been felt. The weight and the lightness both.
Hi, honey bunny.
Sometimes I wish so much that she could have seen the town where I live, where I moved to when I moved across the country away from home, where I found love, where I'm beginning to feel home. I wonder if it will ever completely feel like home. There is this small part of here that feels like it doesn't really exist, because she never saw it, and I wonder if everything new will feel that way forever. I have been thinking maybe I should write more letters to her, write of all the new things she's missing. Today I would have started the letter like this: Hello Mom, It snowed here today, but we have daffodils.