This has been the toughest Mother's Day so far since they've been gone, which caught me by surprise. I tried this afternoon to think of my favorite memories of them, the ones that I've tucked away far enough that I had to go looking. I had a hard time finding them for some reason. I know they are there but I think I might have been just sad enough that they were eluding me. I'll find them soon, I hope.
I went looking through boxes of old pictures as I always do on Mother's Day, or on their birthdays and I got to thinking about how I still feel like that small child with the mouse ears in so many ways- in mostly good ways, but in some that are not. I thought about how I wished I could tell my young self to not take so many days with my mom for granted. I thought about how the tears I always cried when I left my grandmother's house would be the same kind of tears I would cry when she left this world, and that I cried today. Tears of wishing I could have soaked up just a little more of how good it felt to be near her. I thought a lot about how much I look forward to becoming a mother myself, if I am lucky enough to - and wondered what it would feel like to be a mom without a mom, or a grandmother to share stories with.
I thought about the last gift each of them gave me, one that took a year or so to see. With their passing, each of them gave me the gift of a closer relationship with and a much deeper love for my dad and grandfather - something I am almost certain could not have happened while they were still alive. I am so grateful for this gift, this chance to know them more, to love them more even though it came at such a price. Or really, because it did.
Thinking about this gift was what turned the day around for me, I am thankful for that. Happy Mother's Day to all of you - to all the mothers and to all of you who have been mothered. Though it can be a silly holiday to some and a painful day for others, there is something in this day for us all, I think.
Love, S
