the following was originally posted last night, and then removed this morning. i received a very hurtful comment from an anonymous poster and needed some time to reflect on the situation. after thinking about it, i've decided to repost it.
it is important for me to know that those of you who visit this space and support my work {both friends and strangers} have an understanding of where i'm coming from. particularly because my work is so personal. my entry about struggle and progress was not a solicitation for sympathy. it was written out of a desire to open up a dialogue about sustaining creativity through grief. it comes from a place of positive intention. thank you to those of you who reached out and left very personal, heartfelt comments. i am sorry they've been lost here, they are not lost with me...
originally i had planned to give you a little tour of my new studio today, but it has been such a grey day {complete with an ice storm}. too grey for pictures. i would have been getting ahead of myself anyway, when so much has happened between second storie last august and the papering of my walls in pride and prejudice this february. so i'll take it from the beginning {and give you the tour in a couple days}.
now, i don't think that because i've been absent for so long i should return with doctor's note in hand, spilling out all you missed in a few posts. sometimes we all need to take a break, tuck away, be with ourselves and then return refreshed and inspired. i can't tell you how many nights i'd lay in bed, hoping i'd wake up to that day.
but there are some things i would like to share with you. some things for which i'd love to hear your thoughts. in the past i tried to keep this space as light as i could, given all i could possibly share. but maybe one of you out there knows first hand what i've been struggling with. and maybe it's just better to be than to try to be.
have i ever mentioned this here before? after losing my grandmother and mother in the last 3 years, at 34 i am the oldest woman in my family. it is difficult to put to words just how strange this feels.
for me, this fact is never more clear, or more painful as when i've accomplished something i'm particularly excited about, or proud of. i am surrounded by supportive and amazing family and friends. but nothing compares to the loving words of a mother or grandmother. it really is so weird to not be able to call them, you know? this longing for maternal encouragement can be so strong it becomes debilitating.
because of how difficult this can be, i have found myself shutting down after something really great happens fearing that if i keep growing i'll feel this incredible longing again. this is what happened after the second storie} indie market last september. it was just the greatest experience! there was so much talent and inspiration swirling through our event, and it was so well received that plans for the next event were underway before the first was even over.
i packed up. i went home full of smiles. i crashed in a heap of exhaustion just like the rest of the girls. and woke up feeling more empty than ever...for many, many days to come. it took me 5 months to get back on my feet.
what i can say is that i've figured out this much. i now understand a bit better why i retreated within, tucking away for a safer day. what's left to explore is how to make use of this understanding, so that i don't subject myself to an endless spiral of creativity, effort, success, grief, depression, and creativity again. am i naive to think i can widen the spiral a bit? i'd like to think i can.
i'm heart deep in the creativity and effort part of it all again. it feels so good to be here. taking care of old, old business + orders, cleaning the slate. and looking towards exciting creative endeavors on the horizon, some amazing opportunities just around the corner. i had that day. the day when i wake up and feel that well of ideas, and deep deep desire to express all i feel for this great big beautiful life. i am here. but not without my fears. i don't want to lose it all again on the other side. sure, i know i will feel loss and grief all over again. but this time i have a map, which i hope will help. when i get to that difficult patch in the road i hope i can remain productive in spite of the pain.
thanks for listening, friends.
shanna
the photo above was taken the morning after the second storie} indie market last september.
